This is where I remind everyone that I told you so, about so many many things. It’s ok, I don’t expect you to listen. I fully expect you all to still say silly things like “The A’s are going to the world Series”, and the “Twins will beat the Yankees”. It’s going to happen, I know one article can’t change the world and make it better, but I’m still going to try.

Special Note: Out of respect for our Dodger fans, Pat and Chris, there will be no timely but inappropriate Dodger references in what follows. Nothing cheeky, no snark. In fact, before reading further, I ask that everyone in the league please take a moment of silence to remember what was the 2019 Dodger baseball season.

<Deep Breath>

and begin….

1. Blind Squirrels – UP 7 – “The core here should deliver as expected, and there is potential for the starting 3 WR’s to be very good”.  And that has been the case. But the ceiling has admittedly been higher than expected early on.  Leading the league in points and wins, who else could be #1?  Still, heading into the bye I have lingering doubts about the bench depth here.  If not for a strong manager with a proven track record, I’d call this #1 position tenuous at best.
2. Congo.natty – No Change – No change means I nailed this prediction right?  I hate it when the league rankings match the power rankings, but in this case it only makes sense.  If you remember I did say “This might be the best team on paper. No obvious weaknesses and a nice mix of upside and useful players on the bench.”  The useful players on the bench has proven most accurate, as the Nats have managed consistent production despite a few players underproducing. With injuries starting to set in, now the true tests come.
3. Niners R Metal – Down 2 – “Talkie Two Belts; the King, Emperor, and Sultan of Mr. Talkies Egotistical World”. Well all that is definitely still true.  No longer in the top spot, but still right in the mix after producing the highest single week score of all time with 247. So yes, NRM’s best day, is still truly unbeatable, but there has been some early season inconsistency and a few underwhelming picks that have knocked them down a peg. It happens, lets not be to hard on them.
4. Just Win Baby – Down 1 – Yep, pretty much exactly how I called it again.  “A damn scary roster honestly, but I see the holes.” Hilariously, the one Raider Joe didn’t pick up “Waller” is probably the guy he should have.  Considering the #1 pick has been out most of the year with an injury, and AJ Green isn’t even back yet, we may not even have seen the best version of Just Win Baby yet.  However, the holes mentioned have not yet been filled, and at times so far they have been glaring.
5. Kali Kine – No Change – Yet another team right where I said it would be.  Some may say this slot is controversial, overhyped just to demonstrate how prescient my Power Rankings truly are.  Pfft. Yes, Herb is 8th in the standings and middling in points, but they are headed in the right direction as the winners of 2 straight .  I may have implied his roster was ho-humm with statements like “Lindsey and Moore and Fitzgerald who just seem really unlikely to win you a league.”, but those players have been mostly ho-humm.  What hasn’t been ho-humm, was the acquisition of Dj Chark (doo doo, da doo doo doo) who will bring some sizzle to the Kali Kine roster now that Jacksonville’s offense has finally been semi-unlocked.
6. Big Lunch – No Change – “No change” again… it’s almost like I knew what I was doing.  If anything doing these every 5 weeks gives things a chance to settle and the accuracy of my forecasting to really surface. It grows better like an aging wine.  “This is the worst wide receiving core I’ve seen on a Big Lunch team.” True. In fact, huge ceilings, pitiful lows, this team has been all over the map this year.  Nevertheless, with McCaffery looking like a league winning type of RB and one of the league’s most proven Coaches at the helm, this is still one of the more dangerous teams and I’d be more likely to bet on them moving further up than further down.
7. Sweet Baby Jesus – Up 3 – Ranking is simple here.  If I look at the next six teams in the league, this is the one I’d least like to face.  I said the running game after Aaron Jones was a “debacle”, and I was right. Still, a few good trends have started to emerge, most noticeably Aaron Jones has shown he can truly dominate in the running game, and that puts a lot less pressure on his RB2.  If Odell can start to gel better with Baker in the second half, this team will contend for the playoffs for sure.
8. Miki’s Mokes – Down 5 – Despite pretty meager points and a brutal 1- 4 start that will be hard to overcome, there are still some pieces to work with.  I might have got it wrong (hey, I’m human) with “it’s a surprisingly safe group for the Mokes”, as none of the players have been particularly consistent or safe.  Still, the Lions have been a nice surprise, Freeman’s role has started producing, and the Moke’s know what they’re doing.  Playoffs feel like a stretch, but I don’t see a Bromo contender here.
9. Ronan Machines – The Machines might have been a little underrated.  I think I may have said a slightly derogatory thing or two. “You simply can’t play Fantasy Football for 10+ years and come away from a draft with Ronald Jones as your RB3.”  But it was trueeeeeee. You can’t do that… but it may just work, with Jones starting to settle into a nice role on a good offense. There are some significant fantasy pieces starting to standout on this team with Allen, Chubb, Boyd and White all giving what you’d expect or hope for.  Game script has been great for Goff. Who knows what can happen, they might be just one move away from being in real contention.
10. Z’Smashmouths – Down 3 – I’m kinda being harsh on myself with this ranking.  Did I really miss by 3 on this team? They are 6th in the rankings, surely I could find an excuse to move them higher?  No… I really can’t. I just don’t see a team that’s coming together, more one that’s trying to hang in there and has had some good fortune with H2H matchups.  Sutton has been a nice development, and Johnson and Evans can have a big day, but the QB play has been a struggle, and I neither see anyone performing like a league winner nor any names that are about to on this roster.  If someone wants to question my bias they could swap Z’Smashies and the Mokes and make a case for it I guess, both these teams feel kinda the same.  
11. El Paso Roughnecks – No Change – Another prognostication spot on the money.  If you remember, I rested El Paso’s fortunes on the extent to which Brees was able to lead this team, and Brees is currently out for half the season.  Elliot and Henry are a very stable core which can win some games, but the QB play of Rivers has been uninspiring, and the receivers are all over the map as predicted.  There is still room for hope, but while forever our inaugural champion, the track record for El Paso hasn’t been good in recent years.
12. Jake & Elwood Blues – Down 3 – I didn’t rank J&E very highly in the first place, but this is uncharted territory for a team that had been dominant from 2015-2017.  Everything about the Blues has been properly sad so far, so this ranking should be no surprise. Still some very viable players on the roster, but overall the coaching staff is going to have to outscheme their opponents to stay out of the Bromo. (it’s ugly, and heavy, you don’t want it)

Not funny. Just kinda mean.

1. Niners R Metal – Talkie Two Belts; the King, Emperor, and Sultan of Mr. Talkies Egotistical World, is extremely worried he’s going to regret that Kirk or Gordon decision he made in round 7, but the truth is it probably will make almost no difference at all.  Highly opinionated reaches, breakout candidates, and upside galore, this draft screams NINERS R METAL. But then, you don’t fix what isn’t broken. Want the #1 spot, come take it.
2. Congo.natty – This might be the best team on paper.  No obvious weaknesses and a nice mix of upside and useful players on the bench.  I actually approve of this draft, and they have first waivers. It almost seems impossible for congo.natty to screw it up this year…  almost…
3. Miki’s Mokes – The only thing stupid about this draft was taking both Kelce and Hill in the first 2 rounds.  There might not be as much upside as their should be on this roster, it’s a surprisingly safe group for the Mokes, but the bench is deep with a ton of startable options, and should probably be a playoff team. It might have been a little bit of a jerk move to take Tony Pollard from Nico tho.
4. Just Win Baby – There is some stuff that’s kinda good about this team, but also some stuff that kinda boggles the mind.  I know you like the Las Vegas Raiders Joe, and sure, you might as well have the Quarterback and the running back, but did you also need BOTH wide receivers?  How can we take this seriously? I take the team seriously, I think you drafted a damn scary roster honestly, but I see the holes. The holes are there, and I worry you’ll just fill them with Jalen Richard and Darren Waller pickups. 
5. Kali Kine – Do I like some of these picks?  No. I don’t. But they aren’t bad picks. They are all perfectly reasonable actually.  Herb thinks about things a little differently, but he’s also a former champion and a perennial contender.  There is nothing about this draft worth bashing, but I think I will anyway. Every year you draft a couple dudes like Lindsey and Moore and Fitzgerald who just seem really unlikely to win you a league.  People that have to be played, someone has to draft them, so it seems like it ends up you. I see the case for Moore.. But did you come into the draft thinking “I just gotta have Lindsay in the 5th!” I doubt it
6. Big Lunch – Did someone else draft for Mike?  This is the worst wide receiving core I’ve seen on a Big Lunch team.  Could it be ok? Sure… Gordon could perform like it’s 2013, and Robinson like it’s 2015 (both on my teams), but is that likely?  What they lack in pass catchers is probably made up for in RB’s, and backs have carried the day in recent years.  We’ll see. Playoff team potential, put could fall apart fast if the WR’s go worst case scenario.
7. Z’Smashmouths – I’ve bought some popcorn and I’m going to be pretty intrigued to see how this team turns out, especially after the Luck screwjob.  After winning the Bromo, I’m impressed that you didn’t try to play it safe, but this WR group is problematic, and while Michel could definitely be a league winner, he could be a disappointment as well.   Looking at the roster, it just feels like there should be another elite player at some position, though I do like Hunter Henry. Mike Evans feels better as a WR2, but Cam is a nice addition… I dunno this roster is a crap shoot.
8. Blind Squirrels – The core here should deliver as expected, and there is potential for the starting 3 WR’s to be very good, but this doesn’t look like a Squirrels team at all.  Other than Russel Wilson, where are all the safe boring veterans who are underrated and excellent statistical value? You took a kicker in the 13th round? You’re lucky McCoy got released or you’d really have no startable flex.  I actually like David Montgomery, but this isn’t the usual Blind Squirrels running assault that’s won championships 
9. Jake And Elwood Blues – Nevermind, I’m wrong. Just Win Baby can’t pickup Jalen Richard, you already have him. Unlike several other people, this draft was 100% a J&E draft, unfortunately it was like a B- version of it.  There are all the hallmarks. A couple crucial big upside players, a bunch of running backs who only catch passes, and players one hit away from season ending injury.  If Gordon comes back by week 4, you’re probably a contender tho, the bench is well constructed. A few people in the league could learn from how you drafted, but they probably won’t.
10. Sweet Baby Jesus – Let me get this straight.. you got screwed into owning Damien Williams in your other friends league, and then you willingly draft him again in ours?  It’s kinda hard to feel bad for you now. There’s a good base of players on this team, especially at wide receiver, but it’s going to take a full Mayfield 40 touchdown breakout to make up for the debacle that is your running game after Aaron Jones  
11. El Paso Roughnecks – Every Roughnecks team starts the year with league provided complimentary walkers and coupons for discount hip replacement surgery.  They are old. And not the overlooked high value old guys Patrick likes, I mean crusty zero upside old. Now that said, I’m a believer in Henry so the running game here when Zeke signs is going to be kinda impressive, and the wide receivers are decent enough.  If Brees has one more big year in him, who knows, could be a playoff team, but that bench is going to have to improve a lot in the first few weeks.
12. Ronan Machine – Yeah.. this team isn’t very good Shannon.  You simply can’t play Fantasy Football for 10+ years and come away from a draft with Ronald Jones as your RB3.  I mean sometimes you gotta zig when everyone else is zagging, but it looks more like one team zigged, another team zagged, and you kinda just zucked.  I can’t imagine the set of circumstances that would have to happen for this team to make the playoffs, but if you do, please throw this back in my face for years to come.
    

Despite missing a couple weeks, the Power Rankings are back, and just happen to coincide with an NRM win!  The two things are probably entirely unrelated.  The gap since week 3, does give us a nice view into how the landscape has changed, with some big movers in both directions.

Without further adieu.. here are your quintessential commissioners power rankings for week 7.

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1 – UP 2 – Blind Squirrels – Doesn’t really get any easier than this ranking.  Six game winning streak, first in points, reigning champion, owner of Todd Gurley.  It’s his to lose.

2 – DOWN 1 – Jake & Elwood Blues – Continuing to put up big numbers, tied for the first best record, and a 2 game winning streak.  Another easy ranking. This is kinda boring so far.

3 – UP 7 – Kali Kine – A big mover over the last 4 weeks.   Kali’s gotten hot, is in the top 3 in points, and is generally looking like a team on the rise since benching his 5th round pick, and changing directions towards the veteran Matt Ryan.  It’s hard for us to understand how this team could start Jordan Reed over the two different starting RB options they had last week, but it didn’t cost them because there is really no justice in fantasy football.

4 – UP 3 – Miki’s Mokes – Ok, now things are getting interesting.  The Mokes in the 4 spot? This has to be favoritism! Nope.  Miki’s finally hitting her stride, with 4 consecutive weeks over 120 points, and the emergence of Kerryon Johnson.  If they can get a fully healthy Dalvin Cook back for the end of the year another championship could be within reach.

5 – UP 1 – Big Lunch – A solid 4-3 record, and the tastiest WR’s in the league keep Lunch easily within the top 5.  The point total is a little lackluster, but the results have generally been good, and they avoided a major setback with Sony Michel.  Big Lunch has the pieces to win it all, and just needs a few things to stabilize at the RB position.

6 – UP 2 – Niners R Metal – You have got to be kidding me?  Top 6 for a team that’s 2-5?  Yes, top 6 for a team that’s 2-5.  While second in points, NRM has faced a league high 1006.23 points against.  After a big win against Big Lunch, the metal maniacs have matchups against The Roughnecks, Ronan Machine, and Sweet Baby Jesus over the next 3 weeks.  Facing only one team with a winning record the rest of the year, there is a clear path to the playoffs, but the pressure is on.

7 – DOWN 5 – Congo.natty – Still 4-3 and firmly in the mix for a playoff spot, but congo.natty is undeniably in a freefall.  Losers of 3 straight, the only thing dropping off faster than their point totals is their RB’s. Foreman lost for the year, Gordon now dealing with a hamstring, and Kamara losing volume.  The Nats are going to need some good luck and some more waiver finds like John Brown to breathe life into their receiving core, if this team is going to stay in contention. A big matchup with the Moke’s awaits in week 8.

8 – DOWN 3 – Just Win Baby – It’s not uncommon for rookies to start strong, and then take a few steps back after the league adjusts.  Still well positioned at 3-4, JWB really needs an upset win against Kali Kine on a week where they are missing some key pieces to Bye’s.  Still a lot of solid producers on the team, but Gronk needs to be Gronk and become another consistent double digit point scorer in this offense if they are going to have any change of making the playoffs.

9 – UP 3 – Sweet Baby Jesus – We said it week 1, and it’s remained true.  This team is missing a running game. The receivers are excellent and can carry things to a point, but 120 point weeks aren’t enough to win consistently this year, and with a little less good fortune, Jesus could easily be sitting on 1 win.  3rd from last in points, and 9 of 12 in the power rankings.  Sounds about right.

10 – UP 1 – El Paso Roughnecks – Some of the numbers would tell you El Paso is a better team than SBJ.  Still, a head to head loss, coupled with the trade of Carlos Hyde to irrelevance, really leaves the Roughnecks in a bad position going into week 8 with no real running game and their best players on bye.  I don’t see a Bromo in this teams future, but their lack of viable bench depth is starting to play out as anticipated.

11 – DOWN 6 – Z’Smashmouths – After 2 more losses the best thing the Smashies have going for them right now is the fact Ronan Machine has lost 6 straight.  This is a Platinum franchise with a storied league history.  They don’t need us to tell them it’s a down year, and second to last in points tells the whole story.

12 – DOWN 3 – Ronan Machine – It’s probably too late for the Machines to get back in contention, but they’ve made some good moves of late, and the rise of Marlon Mack (if it lasts more than a week) and the trade of Amari Cooper at least given them reason for positivity.  This is a must win week in a winnable matchup against Sweet Baby Jesus with a chance to move out of the cellar.

Enjoying the football banter in the new Facebook chat.  Great idea Nico!  Only way it could be better is if we could get Pat and New Joe in.  You only need the messenger app guys, you don’t have to do the whole facebook thing.

Here are your quintessential commissioners power rankings for week 3.

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1 – No Change – Jake & Elwood Blues – Another week, another win.  3-0, and one of only 3 teams over 400 points after 3 weeks.   Who needs a running game when you get all your WR choices right.

2 – No Change – congo.natty – Barely hanging on to the two spot, their week 3 win was a bit of good fortune.  Still, the emergence of Chris Godwin looks real, and helps answer some significant questions about their WR’s.

3 – No Change – Blind Squirrels – 142 points in week 3.  The Squirrels had been riding Gurley’s coattails a little early on, but now everyone’s starting to contribute.  Watch out.

4 – Up 7 – Just Win Baby – Ok OK, chill out man, you’re gonna start scaring people.  Jumping up a massive 7 spots, Just Win Maybe is starting to look more like Just Win Definitely.   Great performances on back to back weeks, don’t get cocky.

5 – Down 1 – Z’Smashmouths – A solid middle of the road kind of week, but faced the weeks top scorer.  No shame in the loss, but some inconsistent players seem to be playing inconsistently.  The Smashies really need David Johnson to start getting comfortable again and provide the safe comfortable floor for the running game.

6 – Up 1 – Big Lunch – Sometimes a solid week and a win is all you need to move up.  Week 3 was nothing astounding, but 2-1 is right about where we’d expect them.   Fuller & Henry for Wilson & Crowder.  Lunch’s moves look a little better when put together, but only time will tell if they truly improved, or just moved around some parts.

7 – Down 2 – Miki’s Mokes – The Mokes got their first loss.  2-1 is still a nice start, but it’s hard to keep them in the top 6 after an 89 point debacle on Sunday.  Still lots of talent on this team, there should be better days ahead.

8 – Down 2 – Niners R Metal – Hard to bounce back from an 0-3 start, especially when NRM hasn’t had a bad week yet.  Those bad weeks have to happen sometime, and when they do this ranking could plummet.  Second in points keeps them away from the basement, but they need to start realizing some of that potential pronto.

9 – Down 1 – Ronan Machine – Really just down 1 because some others moved up.  Week 3 was pretty ugly on the scoreboard, but a 50+ point Thursday from Jared Goff and the return of Leonard Fournette put them in a nice position going into the weekend.

10 – Up 2 – Kali Kine – Kali avoided a 0-3 start with a 150+ coming out party against the tough luck Roughnecks, and that’s while leaving a 50+ point day for Matt Ryan on the bench.  If the running game can contribute like this more regularly, this team should move into the top 6.

11 – Down 1 – El Paso Roughnecks – Top 6 in points, separated from the top 3 by only a couple points.  We said at the start of the year that the starting lineup was good, and so far it’s delivered.  A little luck, and the Roughneck’s could easily be 2-1, now they’re going to need it just to get out of this hole.

12 – Down 1 – Sweet Baby Jesus – They only needed a top 10 score to pickup a win in week 3, but finished 11th with 99.50 points.  This is a low point for SBJ but it doesn’t have to stay this way.  Week 4 should be interesting.  Arguably the two best WR core’s in the league square off when SBJ meets J&E.

Pretty busy with work this week, so the rankings are a little late, and a little less developed than I’d like, but without further ado..

Here are your quintessential commissioners power rankings.

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1 – No Change – Jake & Elwood Blues – An impressive week 2, only solidifies their status, but it had to be even sweeter when it was the Chicago Defense that delivered the come from behind win.  The blues is playing all the right notes to start the season.

2 – Up 3 – congo.natty – Could this really be the year?  Is 2018 when it all finally comes together for Congo.natty?  Looks like it so far.

3 – Down 1 – Blind Squirrels – No doubt a satisfying H2H win against brother Jesus, but we still need to see more points.  Expect Hunt to go off in a revenge game against his former fantasy team in week 3.

4 – No Change – Z’Smashmouths – Probably not as good as they were in week 1, and definitely not as bad as they were in week 2.  One thing that never changes.. losing close matchups against the Mokes.

5 – Up 1 – Miki’s Mokes – 2-0 but last in points.  What else really needs to be said here?

6 – Down 3 – Niners R Metal – 0-2 but second in points.   What else really needs to be said here?  Well, I guess that they are bad at making lineup decisions.

7 – Up 1 – Big Lunch – With Ingram and Edelman waiting in the wings, this looks like a team with Championship upside.  Nice bounce back win after a sub 100 point showing in week 1 which stands as the only sub 100 point week by any team so far this year.

8 – Down 1 – Ronan Machine – A loss, but nothing to be ashamed of in week 2.  Michael Thomas should do his part all year, but the Machines need Fournette to get healthy and be a true #1 back to really have a chance.  Wilkins and Morris aren’t going to cut it.

9 – Up 2 – El Paso Roughnecks – Watching the Roughnecks so far reminds me a little of watching the Browns.  A franchise that has struggled, but is finally doing some things right and still finding themselves without a win.   Maybe this week you’ll find your Baker Mayfield.

10 – No Change – Sweet Baby Jesus – Going to take it easy on you this week.  You seem a little grumpy and frustrated with your fantasy sports lately and as commissioner it’s my job to make sure you’re having a good time and enjoying yourself.  Don’t worry, beat congo.natty this week and you’ll get out of the double digit rankings for sure.

11 – Up 1 – Just Win Maybe – New Joe, I guess you earned the right to have your real team name listed, but the fact remains you beat an 0-2 team.  Not that big of an accomplishment.  Up 1 spot.

12 – Down 3 – Kali Kine – As someone who took Brees in the 5th round, I can definitely relate to how bad it sucks watching the QB you wasted a 5th round pick on score less points than your bench QB and cost you a matchup.  Sorry Herb, the season is young, but 0-2 and second to last in points.  It speaks for itself.

I’ve been asked before to add more images, so I thought I’d put an image specific to each week at the start of the rankings.   I chose Derek Carr this week, whose horrendous play cost me week 1.

First week is always a little wacky, so some big movements, but admittedly some teams were definitely punished more than others for poor performances.  This doesn’t feel very stable yet, and I have a feeling it’s going to be a chaotic first few weeks before the rankings generally settle in closer to how I ranked them in the first place 😉

Here are your quintessential commissioners power rankings.  

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1 – Up 1 – Jake & Elwood Blues – A team with a track record of recent success that seems to have nailed it in the draft.  If their WR depth is the Grand Canyon, their RB depth is a pothole, but J&E have made this strategy work before, and they know how to fill gaps on the wire.

2 – Down 1 – Blind Squirrels – On the surface week 1 looked pretty awful for Blind Squirrels, but they had tons of points on the bench, and had to suck up a -2 from the New Orleans Defense.  Slow start, but the addition of Hunt solidifies the running game, and they still generally look like a solid group. No need to panik.

3 – Up 3 – Niners R Metal – A massive 154 points looks good on the surface, but an 0-1 start is probably more befitting a team that got all it’s production from 4 players.  Always active, they already made a big splash in the trade market to address the WR position. The new look week 2 NRM should be interesting to watch.

4 – Up 4 – Z’Smashmouths – Soaring up the rankings, Z’Smashies are another team with a proven track record and they got consistent output from everyone on the roster in week 1.  This looks like a playoff team and the sky is the limit assuming David Johnson’s usage increases as the season goes on. I’m not sure if Zach will know what to do with a team he doesn’t have to completely recycle by the end of week 5.  

5 – Up 2 – Congo.natty – Another team bolstered by a couple otherworldly performances from their running game, the final score looks better than the actual player by player results.  Losing Delanie Walker for the year and a setback for Devonta Freeman won’t help much either. Still, it was a solid week on the waiver wire, and above average RB production on a weekly basis is a reasonable expectation from this group.

6 – Down 1 – Miki’s Mokes – Just when you think a second round investment in Aaron Rodgers couldn’t possibly be any dumber, he TOTALLY REDEEMS himself.  Miki won’t get that reference, but the Mokes did get a week 1 win by less than a point.

7 – UP 3 – Ronan Machine – How many teams would have the stones to draft Alfred Morris in the 4th round, and then bench him in week 1 for Kenny Stills and Jordan Wilkens?  The result of those decisions was 140 point big summer blowout win. Not too shabby.

8 – Down 5 – Big Lunch – This Big Lunch looked more like bird seed and carrots in week 1.  This team has made a huge investment in players that can hopefully help them in 3 or 4 weeks, but will they have enough wins by then for it to matter?

9 – Down 5 – Kali Kine – It was a rough week 1 loss, but hoping to eek out a win with a bottom 3 score isn’t really a strategy anyway.  Yep, I worked “hope isn’t a strategy” into a power ranking. Why? Because I’m a manager, and managers say stuff like that.

10 – Up 1 – Sweet Baby Jesus – Usually the team to lose a one point game, no one is happier to see New Joe enter the league than SBJ.  Super shocked by the lack of running production, but you got lucky with Yeldon. The overall point total was quite nice.

11 – Down 2 – El Paso Roughnecks – A very nice performance in week 1, backing up the wise assessment that this was a solid starting lineup.  Too bad you didn’t have Desean Jackson in on the only week all season he’ll be worth rostering.

12 – No Change- New Joe – Rookies don’t move up the rankings by losing.  Sure, Jimmy Graham didn’t hold up his end of the bargain on Monday night, but as a Raider fan how do you look past your 9th round pick Jordy Nelson, and overthink it with 12th rounder Rashaad Maaatthews coming back from injury?  Lots of uncomfortable questions coming out of this finish, but 135 points is a very good week and a tough loss by any standard.

Since you’re all pretty decent at this, and most of you have at some point won a fantasy football championship sometime, it’s likely that you don’t really need my expert fantasy football analysis.  

Actually, most of you do probably still need it, but you don’t think you do, so I just kept the bulk of my analysis and tips for those teams that are still looking for their first title.  (More on that below)

The rest of you get a ranking and some harmless shit talked in your general direction to get our competitive fires burning.  

For the teams that haven’t won titles, I know you probably feel like you could use a little help and insight from a multiple time champion and retired fantasy sports writer.  Yes, I’m really busy, but I made the time because in the end I’d like to see every team succeed eventually.  

 

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Here are the quintessential commissioners power rankings.   If you disagree, you’re wrong.

 1. Blind Squirrels

Whenever I hear people talking about Marcus Mariota, they always compare him to Alex Smith, but what I don’t hear very often is people talking about how they want to target both of them.   I’m sure with Todd Gurley it doesn’t matter who you start at QB, but the rest of us still have to at least pay attention to it a little.  That said, you drafted the right players.

 2. Jake & Elwood Blues 

You and Zach really love to draft WR4 running backs.  Do you realize that Cohen, White, and Bernard combined didn’t have as many carries last year as Lamar Miller?  Is finding the next Darren Sproles to flex out on your bye weeks really worth 3 bench spots? Apparently so.  The starting lineup is balanced and legit tho.

3. Big Lunch

You’re probably going to win when Jimmy G puts up the highest single season touchdown total of any quarterback in NFL history so even though you didn’t have to draft a solid team with excellent RB depth you did.

4. Kali Kine

I don’t know if Ross and Eckler need to be owned in a 12 team league, but there isn’t really that much I can hate on with your team.  I wouldn’t want it of course, but still it looks like your brain is starting to come out of the Command Center fog that left you out of the playoffs 3 of the last 4 years.  This is a solid team that’s maybe lacking a little in explosiveness 

5. Miki’s Mokes

This team would look a lot better if instead of Aaron Rodgers it had ABSOLUTELY ANY OTHER AVAILABLE PLAYER taken in the second round.  Otherwise a lot to like here, and nothing much to hate about the draft. I think maybe one too many Rams WR’s. Which means you have two.  Two is too many, because you never need more than one. One, is the ideal number of WR’s to take from the same team.

6. NINERS R METAL

See this is how you do it.  Massive upside at RB, and then a ton of mixed and matched WR’s balancing safe low upside startable talent and big upside breakout candidates.  Really an expert quality draft we’ll look back on and realize was far better than this modest ranking.

 7. Congo Natty – Comprehensive Analysis

Overall – Now I know hearing that your team is “amazing” would be a big confidence boost.  Unfortunately, while confidence is important, even more important is learning to accurately assess your team.  The truth is that your team is just “ok”.  It has some big strengths but they are balanced out by some pretty big weaknesses.  You’ve clearly learned that safe producers are important, but the key is mixing those safe producers with players that are poised for the career bests.  Outside of Alvin Kamara I don’t see anyone else like that, do you?

The Good – What’s not to love about Kamara, Gordon and Freeman?  Ok, so I don’t really love Gordon and Freeman, but ADP says it’s an amazing group and who am I to argue with ADP?  You believe in them and that belief is somewhat justified.  Godwin, Amendola and Powell were also nice bench picks where you took them.

The Bad – Someone had to take Doug Baldwin, so I can’t hold that against you, but no one had to take Kelvin Benjamin.  The WR group in general is just not a strong mix of names.  In the future, if you want to take Fitzgerald, then maybe don’t take Baldwin too and then go Allen Hurns.  Josh Doctson? When has Alex Smith ever made a second WR good?

My advice – Remember who you are.  Stop hiding with these weird typefaces and cryptic messages. There are many struggling franchises looking for their first trip to the mountain top, but they step out and proudly put on their Browns helmet anyway.  You are congo.natty.  Reclaim your identity, swap half your team by week 4, and then I’m confident you’ll be ready to make your run at fantasy immortality.

8. Z’Smashmouths

Zach hosted an awesome draft party, so I’m guessing he was distracted.   If the goal was to draft the team with the most players who formally missed entire seasons due to injury.  This was definitely the best draft.   Zach, I know you’re at your best with a chip on your shoulder, so starting out just 1 spot above the Roughnecks should do the trick.

 9. The Roughnecks

Per my own rules I said I’d only give advice to teams that have never won a championship.  Nevertheless, don’t feel like you can’t hit me up on the side and ask for a few tips, you’re one of my best and oldest friends and I’m always here for you.  Unfortunately, it’s too late to ask me for better options than DeSean Jackson, Mohamed Sanu, Cole Beasley, and Frank Gore. Shame too, I mostly like your starting lineup.

10.  Ronan Machine

You got the players you want, and there is something to be said for that.  I’m impressed by your ability to trust your own instincts and take players you like anytime you want, regardless of what you need, or what the best values are left on the draft board.  Alfred Morris ahead of Alex Collins, LeSean McCoy, Carlos Hyde, and Derek Henry… of course!! Njoku in round 6? Why not! You go girl.

11. Sweet Baby Jesus

Overall – Chris, you’re coming off a stellar third place finish last year.  Stellar for you that is, not for me, that’s why you need this extra attention.  

The Good – You really did do a nice job of filling out your top 3 WRs this year, and by that I mean, you didn’t screw it up (ok, they are kinda scary).  Still, I can’t be too impressed when you used your first three picks. I also have to applaud the thought process that went behind reaching for Kyle Rudolph.  That’s the sort of confident decision making I’d like to see more of.

The Bad – After being left with LeSean McCoy as a RB1, did you really back him up with Nick Chubb, Ronald Jones, Marlon Mack and Aaron Jones?  Chris, this just isn’t good enough. It’s not even close, and if there is some tiny part of you that is thinking “maybe Mark is wrong”, I urge you to tweet that list of RBs to anyone of your choosing.  Maybe, if I’m feeling really generous, I’ll let you trade me Tyreek Hill for Joe Mixon.  We’ll see.

My Advice – Start looking for RB’s homie.  That shit’s a mess.

12. New Joe

Overall – As a new team, you’re obviously last.  You have no track record, and most importantly, no championships.  Now, you may be tempted to say “Just stop! I’ll be fine, I don’t need your help.”  And I know that’s true, I know you know what you’re doing, and that’s why you’re here now in the greatest fantasy football league of them all.  But I also know you remember the championship game in our Family League last year and understand that I can help you get to the next level.  The next level is of course winning, which is what I did.

For the record, I’ll be referring to you as “New Joe”, or “Just win maybe?” That’s as close as I can get, and it’s a lot closer than the Raiders are going to be to Oakland next year.  BA DUM BUM!  (that was a drum sound)  Also, your draft was ok I guess.  Truth be told it was better than at least one other person, who will remain nameless.

The Good – There are some legitimate point scorers on this team and I think you’ll have some big weeks.  You have blown away the league at the TE position.

The Bad – You have blown away the league at the TE position.  I like where your heart is with those picks, but will you be comfortable running Dion Lewis and Raashad Penny out there as your RB1/RB2 if Barkley tears his ACL in week 1?    Just something to think about.

My advice – See if you can beat Chris to the waiver wire for some usable running backs.  

Between injuries and quality general managers, there is nothing close to a perfect team this year.  Impact players are pretty well distributed across the league, and this is the tightest points race ever, with more than half the league still within 50 points of first place.  Bye weeks are here, and this is when the teams should start to separate a bit.

–

1.  UP 3 – Z’Smashmouth’s – Current points leader and probably the best structured team going into week 4.    Love David Johnson, love Allen Robinson, and Jarvis Landry, but someone else is going to need to step up for this team to stay at the top.  3.4 yards per carry at home against a terrible Miami team isn’t going to cut it Jeremy Hill.

2.  No Change – Cangniner – First overall, second in points, and the only team left with a chance at our leagues first undefeated season.  Still, with questionable depth, and a sometimes absentee general manager (forgot to start a TE), it’s hard to see this early roll continuing.  This week feels like Cangniner’s first loss via NRM.  Of course, I might be biased.

3.  UP 5 – Niners R Metal – Within 15 points of Z’Smashmouths, and with the highest totals in 2 of the first three weeks, NRM is proving quite resilient despite losing 5 of their first 9 picks in the first 3 weeks.   (Moncrief, Watkins, Ertz, Abdullah,  and Gordon).  Running back depth abounds, but they can’t afford another injury at WR.

4.  DOWN 3 – Miki’s Mokes – Haven’t had a bad week yet, but with Langford done for 6 weeks, and Rodgers/Cobb on bye, this might be theirpeeyal first one.  The Moke’s are going to need a bounce back game from Benjamin and Sharpe to be competitive.   RB depth is starting to become a problem.

5.  DOWN 2 – Ronan Machines – RB depth is going to be a challenge through the bye weeks, but the Machines still have a useful bench and one of the nicest looking groups of healthy ascending starters.   If Le’Veon Bell can come back and be the top 3 impact fantasy player he’s capable of, then expect Ronan Machines to finish in the top 3.

6.  UP 3 – Blind Squirrels – Like the Patriots themselves, BS managed to weather some early season challenges and come away with a 2-1 record.  Two receivers that look like they will finish top 5  (Green/Jones) should keep the Squirrels in it all year.   With Charles and Brady coming back to fill holes, the upside for this team looks very high.

7.  No Change – Sweet Baby Jesus – Some good consistent pieces, but as a team they feel a bit like an “RB2”.  Not much burst, decent vision, can grind out some tough yardage and have some “ok” weeks, but not really a home run hitter.   Someone like Devante Parker needs to step it up and become a breakout star for this team to contend.

8.  UP 3-  congo.natty – 5th in points, this might be the best 0-3 team in league history.  Running back depth is a concern, but Blount and Howard are a very nice bandaid with season long upside.   Marshall and Cooper should be difference makers by year end, but congo.natty can’t afford to wait much longer.  A week 4 matchup with Jake and Elwood Blues is essentially an early must win for both teams.

9.   DOWN 5 – Jake & ElWood Blues – I like the WR core, and the defending champs could win on any given week, but the RB’s are brutal, and depth is definitely a concern during the bye weeks.    If they can stay around .500 going into the final 3 weeks, they should have a shot at the playoffs with a late surge.

10. DOWN 4 – El Paso Roughnecks – A little like SBJ, there is a solid foundation with this team at every position, but no real sizzle.  If Dez and Alshon are the best of themselves by mid season, the Roughnecks should climb quickly, otherwise a team with a high floor and a low ceiling seems unlikely to keep up the way points have soared the first 3 weeks.

11.  UP 1 – Big Lunch – Not really sure if this team sucks, or is a hidden gem…  The starting lineup isn’t exactly filled with players that have justified their draft position, and their situations are unlikely to change much.  Still, Lunch has the magic touch, and there might be a balanced enough mix here of boom and bust to find their way back into contention.

12.   DOWN 2 – Kali Kine – Sorry, Herb.  New fathers aren’t expected to do much in fantasy football.  Last in points and 0-3, there is really no place else to put Kali Kine.  Nevertheless, Edelman and Gronk should ascend with the return of Tom Brady, and Hopkins and Cam have some huge games ahead of them.  Kali’s usually a second half team anyway.

 

Week 3 Power ranking “bullet” addition is here.  PEW PEW PEW

Thanks again Zach!

–

1. Mokes-
• Still undefeated, silent assassin
• Gordon primed to go off all year
• Receivers and TE abound
• Ample RB depth
• Rodgers only scraping the surface
• Weekly game flow options everywhere

2. Cang-
• Might be highest rank all year
• Deceivingly competitive bench
• Manning underrated, and Mariota ready
• Decent PPR WRs
• Hyde will be a weekly headache

3. Machines-
• Matthews, Maclin, Miller & Reed at law
• Enjoy 3rd while you can
• Bell returning may keep you afloat
• Might be time to consider Wentz
• Denver D set it and forget it

4. Blues- (tie)
• 1st in points
• Spooky good bench
• Tough loss last week dropped rank
• Should look for TE options
• Diggs may be best draft value in ’16

4. Smash- (tie)
• Overall best league RBs
• Potentially league best QB options
• Still waiting for WRs to score
• When they do, watch out
• No more TE questions

6. Collarbones-
• Glorious WRs
• TEs should go off week in week out
• Tough bench decisions
• Not much RB depth

7. Jesus-
• Huge win last week
• Dalton & Wilson great matchup options
• Decent RBs lacking depth
• Parker ascending?

8. Metal-
• Oh how the mighty have fallen
• That’s loss last week tho
• More ER visits last week than me in ’16
• Long road ahead with tough schedule

9. Squirrels-
• Could be a top 4 team in a month
• Nice WRs, but RBs gonna need help
• Most competitive bottom half team

10. Kali-
• El Paso’s breakfast week 2
• Most points against
• Good depth Should keep them hunting

11. Natty-
• Losing AP hurts.. worry not / RB depth
• Cooper robbed, WRs yet to go big
• Should be in playoff hunt come wk 12

12. Lunch-
• Why you here? Where yo points be? 
• Bortles, Freeman and Thomas- bruh!?

Week 1 in glorious Haiku form, courtesy of Z’Smashies.    The top 6 trend a little too close to the actual ranking lines for my taste,  but I suppose there will be plenty of time to go off script once we have a larger sample size.

Nice job again Zach, thanks for taking the time.

—

1. Blues-
Jake & Elwood Own
Whole team sans Tight End ate big
Cubbies clinch early

2. Metal-
Most points point two o
Kick whole league ass, big time eh
No likey Watkins

3. Mokes-
Big defensive points
Rodgers doing Rodgers things
Might be number one

4. Cang-
Twenty plus from four
Running backs looking solid
Screw preseason rank

5. Machines-
Williams Matthews
Carried you last week for sure
Week two Angry Lunch

6. Squirrels-
CJ and AJ
Ninth fewest points in week one
Waiting for Brady

7.Smash-
Letdown over with
Down goes Keenan Allen damn
Michael Thomas time

8. Jesus-
Miki buzzsaws you
Riddick on bench don’t look good
Better days ahead

9. Natty
Brees big Raiders win
Team looks solid despite loss
Beat Mikis teams ass

10. Lunch-
Lucky not in last
Though points tell different tale
That’s the Roughnecks spot

11. Kali-
Two words scoreboard k
On paper team looks scary
Don’t lose to the Necks

12. El Paso-
Here we are again
Why was Larry on your bench
Let’s hope Dez don’t bust